Sometimes I wonder if you even know that I exist. It’s always my fault. I AM ALWAYS WRONG! I come home; you don’t even ask me how I am or even where I’ve been, not even once. Jeez. I could be dead for all you care. I come back from work early and you ask me if I got fired.
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I sent you so many letters during that summer and you don’t bother to answer even one? I ask you why and you tell me that “ I’m not one for the letters. ” What a load of bullshit. When Lennie was at camp one summer working as a counsellor, you had written to him every week. Didn’t you even want to know if I was alright, how I was doing or if I needed anything? I don’t even know why I’m saying all of this. Lennie was always the smart one for you. Lennie’s not as smart as you think he is. You have no idea how many times I’ve taken him out of trouble. He came to me for help when he needed it because he was afraid that he’d stoop low in your eyes.
I never had to because you never expected anything out of me. What do you think I’m supposed to do when everyone, when you, think that I’ll be a nobody? You think that I’m like you but I’m not. I want to be a somebody. I don’t want to drive a taxi for the rest of my life. That’s not half of what you do. Can you believe how ashamed I am that my father is nothing but a lousy pimp? Jeez. On top of that, you always think that I am wrong, that things are always my fault.
When MacPherson said that you weren’t fit enough to raise me, you knew that he was right, that’s why you blamed it on me. The only reason I told you that was because maybe once, just once, it would be nice if you were on my side. I wanted to open up a film business and start filming bar-mitzvahs and weddings. I wanted to make you proud. I wanted you to think that you might have been wrong of treating me like a ghostly presence in your life. Do you know how you tore me apart when you said that I’m just throwing my money away and that it’ll teach me a good lesson? How many 17 year olds do you know that have accomplished in making a bar-mitzvah movie that was a success? I work for the money I have. Whatever I have, I have because I took time and worked hard to get it.
I don’t have it easy like Lennie. Lennie hasn’t done shit all for what he’s got! If ever needs money, all he has to do is pick up the phone, call smucking Uncle Benjy, and ask for it. For god sake, if it was Lennie asking you for three thousand dollars, you’d be happy to give it him. Must be easy for you to get that kind of dough.
All you have to do is pick up five to six more whores and abracadabra there’s the money. I love it when things are going smoothly for me and Lennie come in with his bomb and blows up everything. That was sarcasm, if your little brain didn’t catch that. My business was running so smooth. Mr. Cohen’s movie had come out a success, even though I felt nauseous every time I watched it. After that hit, clients had come in and business went booming. But of course, something has to happen.
Lennie decides to disappear. I should have seen that coming. He had been so acting so weird lately. Coming home drunk, going on dates, not being at home— these weren’t part of his routine. That’s what happens when daddy’s little boy gets all pampered and then his plane crashes. When Lennie left I felt this kind of joy in me. I thought that maybe you might see the accomplishments I have achieved till now. I felt as if you had finely been proven wrong.
That Uncle Benjy had been proven wrong. He always had a dislike in me. Another reason why you preferred Lennie, trying to follow the favourite of your generation.
Sometimes I wonder what mum would have thought of me. Would she have liked me? Would I have been her favourite? Or would it be Lennie? Would she be proud of me or think I’m a failure? How was she? Did she like me? I would ask you but I’m afraid to know. What if she disliked me like Uncle Benjy? I don’t think I would be able to take it. I remember her smile and laugh as she would tickle me and bombard me with kisses. With everything going in my life, I think I’ll keep myself together thinking that she loved me and I would be the one that she cared about more.
I have got to stop thinking about others and I have to prove them wrong. Once I get all the land, they will look at me and say that they were wrong all along. They will look back and forget the times when they called me a nobody, but I will remember them well. My goal for now, other than finding Lennie: getting the money for the land. Then dad, I hope you’ll be proud of me.